But then a prompt came up at Vag Fest 09 and I thought, 'what the hell, give it a go'. Hence there's this rather pointless bit of fun...
Title: The Benefits Of The Modern Age
Pairing: Hints of Gene/Alex UST
Warnings: Well, you know there's that song in Avenue Q explaining what the internet is for? Alex, is kind of explaining the same thing to Gene...
"Remind me again why I have this bloody thing?" Gene grunted, stabbing at the keys of the computer with one finger, as though he could make it do what he wanted by will power alone, no matter what he was actually pressing.
Alex, leaning against the sideboard in his office, looked up coolly from the forensics report she'd been reading.
"Because it will one day be a vital part of modern policing and we have to start somewhere," she said nonchalantly and dismissive.
He'd grown to hate that know-it-all tone of hers. No, not 'hate', 'despise'.
"So playing space invaders is vital, is it?" he bit back, showing that wasn't going to take her word for it just because she said it was so.
"Oh no, that computer's not vital," she conceded lightly, not bothering to tear her eyes from the report this time. "That one's actually quite useless since you don't bother to actually put anything on it."
Gene didn't like to feel as if he was being disparaged for anything, even when it was fair comment.
"And what exactly am I supposed to put on it?" he asked, tone slightly dangerous, almost a dare. Most other people would have backed down at that point, but not Alex-bloody-Drake. She knew exactly how to keep that calm, collected voice which just wound him up further.
"I don't know," she said with an all too easy shrug. "Case reports, notes...anything useful that you might want to save for later." She frowned thoughtfully for a second, looking off into the middle distance as she sometimes did - like she was seeing something he couldn't. "You know, everyone always said I was a bit of a technophobe, but I didn't realise how much even I relied on things like that until I came here.
"Techno-what?" he barked, bringing her back sharply from what seemed like an almost wistful haze. He wished she wouldn't spout out long words at him. They always seemed designed to make her look superior and him look stupid.
"Technophobe," she repeated again, slower this time, almost like she was teaching him.
If she was looking for an argument over nothing then she was going the right way about it.
"Isn't that some of that new crap that have the nerve to call music?" he sneered. He never could bring himself to admit that he didn't actually have a clue about something. You couldn't afford to show weakness when you were the one others were supposed to look up to.
"It means someone who is uncomfortable with new technology," Alex corrected, perfectly sweetly. "Like you."
"I am not uncomfortable with it," he denied firmly. "I just don't see the bloody point."
"Of course there's a point," she reasoned, finally putting the report down and giving him her full attention. "The internet will revolutionise the exchange of information. One day, there'll be a computer in nearly every home in this country."
"That's what they said about the television too, wasn't it?" she pointed out sagely.
He had no real come back for that so didn't bother trying.
"Why would anyone want one of these things in their house?" he asked instead, slamming his hand on the keyboard, causing it to bleep a way that was almost satisfying. Sounded like the bloody thing was in pain and in his opinion it more than deserved it.
"Communication," she said, walking across to sit on the edge of his desk, legs crossed away from him unfortunately. "Information. To share ideas and creative works with millions of people. Unfortunately the majority will ever only use it for ebay and porn."
She'd said that in such an offhand manner he almost thought he'd misheard her.
"Oh yes," she said brightly, "internet pornography will be massive. No need to sneak into your local back street shop any more and risk embarrassment. Anything you ever fantasised about will be right at the end of a couple of button presses."
"You haven't seen what I fantasise about," he snorted disbelievingly.
She smiled in something like satisfaction. That was never a good sign. But he ignored it as she leant forward almost conspiratorially. If she'd had just one more button undone, he could have seen right down her blouse.
"There'll be all sorts of positions," she began, tone bordering dangerously on seductive. "Front, top, behind, beneath and any other way you can twist two bodies and still keep them together. There'll be bondage, domination, submission, oral, role play, pain, pleasure, threesomes, enormous breasts, tiny breasts, masturbation, on desks, in the kitchen, outside..." She finally paused for breath, her smile widening. "Any fetish even your sordid little mind can come up with will be catered for."
Her long legs swung almost teasingly but he tried not to look at them. He was breathing hard but he tried to hide it because he knew her game. At least, he thought he did. And he wasn't going to let her see that she had the upper hand this time.
But from the smirk on her face, it looked like she already knew.
"Well, Bolly," he replied after a moment, wishing his voice sounded a bit stronger, "who knew you had such a depraved mind, eh?"
She smiled again. The cat who'd got the bloody cream.
"The more I learn of it, the less I'm surprised at what it can come up with."
Great, she was back to talking bollocks again.
When he said nothing in return, she hopped down from the edge of his desk, sashaying to the door with a sway of victory in her step.
Like he was going to let her leave like that.
"One thing," he said voice back to its solid best, stopping her in her tracks.
She turned to face him.
She smiled in teasing amusement. "Oh it's absolutely filthy. You wouldn't like it."