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31 August 2010 @ 06:38 pm
Body image is a bitch, food and I are not friends, but new jacket is pretty...  
When I started this whole 'OMG, I'm so fat I must do something about it!' thing, I was encouraged to take some pictures so I could truly see how I was progressing because we all know what the scales says doesn't necessarily have anything to do with how you look. I took another set of photos today and yesterday and family were all 'wow, you can really see the difference!'. Problem is, I don't...



These two sets of photos were taken six weeks apart and, honest, I can't see any difference. The first I looked at them I did, but the more I do I just think I'm fooling myself and it's just upsetting. It gets me down. Which ruins my relationship with food even more. I really don't want to eat a lot of the time and I know that's not healthy but I can't help the feelings of guilt when I finish a meal and actually feel full. I feel like I'm letting myself down. That probably doesn't make any sense.


Oh a less moany note, I found a new jacket and it's very pretty.

Current Mood: disappointeddisappointed
meegoshmeegosh on August 31st, 2010 06:03 pm (UTC)
You have my complete and utter sympathy. Photos and mirrors depress me.

Want to know what I see? - I see smoother curves and tighter muscles.

But if what you sees is consistently different what what others honestly see (and I would only ever be honest, I know what it is to have body dysphoria and lies don't help) then you might need to see someone for some talking theory because it's an indicator that it's body dysphoria and that's never healthy. Dysphoria is best dealt with when caught early and most painful when allowed to drag on. And body dysphoria comes in many forms.
doylefan22: castieldoylefan22 on August 31st, 2010 09:39 pm (UTC)
Hmm...Thank you.

I'm just wondering if it's basic fear. I'm so worried that all my hard work is doing nothing, that I really can't do much more without giving up eating and if this fails...I scared of failing hence I see myself as failing.

elphie_uk: Kristenelphie_uk on August 31st, 2010 06:41 pm (UTC)
There is definitely a difference hun =) your stomach is definitely more toned and your hips and arms are looking slimmer! Well done! Go with your initial reactions; the more you look at something, the more your mind distorts it.
doylefan22: Merlin - Morgause candledoylefan22 on August 31st, 2010 09:40 pm (UTC)
Indeed. I really wish I hadn't looked at them more than once.
Sparksmorbid_sparks on August 31st, 2010 07:03 pm (UTC)
I can see a distinct difference. But as Henry said, if you're not seeing what others see (and I get that as well, don't worry!), talk to someone about it.
doylefan22: Merlin - Morgause/Arthurdoylefan22 on August 31st, 2010 09:41 pm (UTC)
Fat chance (oh the irony!) around here. When they were considering CBT for my anxiety after the accident it was a minimum wait of 18months.
Opal: happy squidoparu on August 31st, 2010 07:37 pm (UTC)
I definitely see a difference! And hey, you like great regardless love. I agree with the other comments. Maybe talk to someone? They're really nice people (I've been in therapy FOREVER, even here in the UK and they're just lovely and helpful.
doylefan22: lots - cara/kalhan kissdoylefan22 on August 31st, 2010 09:42 pm (UTC)
Cheers hun.

Maybe I'm being too terribly British about everything. (Although the thought of talking to a stranger about all my crappy thoughts kind of feels me with dread.)
Opal: xf angsty huggingoparu on August 31st, 2010 09:51 pm (UTC)
ah yes....the great British 'lets just have tea and not talk about our problems'

bless your whole stiff upper country. ;)

the nice thing for me is not feeling crazy. I tell therapist the CRAZY things I think, she says, actually, that's fine. you're fine. and I sit there and think...really?

and then it starts to sink in and things I torture myself for...start to go away. Which is nice, gotta say.
doylefan22: lots - cara/kalhan kissdoylefan22 on August 31st, 2010 10:04 pm (UTC)
Yeah, we're all terribly repressed. :)

I suppose the main start of the problem with me is that I really have issues crying in front of people. I hate it. And I know if I spill, I'll cry so...
Opal: voy JT heartoparu on September 1st, 2010 01:02 am (UTC)

it does get better. or...you could try not looking at the therapist when you spill, that helped me a little. It is worth talking about, if only because you shouldn't hate mirrors. If you can be freed up so that mirrors just make you think...I love that shirt, or, my hair is hot today, that would be worth it? maybe?

I have cried a LOT in therapists' offices. It's never easy, but it does get things out that were festering.
doylefan22: Merlin - Morgana/Gwen hugdoylefan22 on September 1st, 2010 07:01 am (UTC)
Thanks hun. I think it's difficult in this country because there's simply not the culture for it. I wouldn't even know where to start to be honest. But I'll definitely think about it.
Lil Miss Morgan Dork: *wrinkles nose*badfalcon on August 31st, 2010 07:55 pm (UTC)
you're definitely looking much more toned and it looks like your posture has improved as well
doylefan22: dw - 11/amy hugdoylefan22 on August 31st, 2010 09:43 pm (UTC)
Maybe those Sketchers Shape Ups did the trick. Or maybe I actually have muscle under that. Who knows.
Dunedune_drd on August 31st, 2010 08:05 pm (UTC)
I think scales are far more honest than most people make them - you know, it's taking a long time until you see some effect at those body parts yourself, until then scales keep you optimistic ;) The most important part is that you see an improvement to yourself. It'll come, really.

doylefan22: Merlin - Gwendoylefan22 on August 31st, 2010 09:45 pm (UTC)
Trouble is with scales they don't take into account that building muscle (like you do when you're working on the abs program I am), means you might weigh more even though you look smaller. :(

The coat is very lovely. It's a polyester/cotton mix so it looks and feels like silk but won't discolour terribly in the rain. It's tight at the waist and flairs into the skirt so it's the right shape for me.
faith_less_one: Zaphodfaith_less_one on August 31st, 2010 09:15 pm (UTC)
I agree - a definite difference. Your tummy is a lot smaller (I'm frankly envious), and your hips, thighs and arms look a lot more toned. It's hard to see changes in yourself - I have plenty of experience with that - but believe us, they are there.

That jacket is cute!
doylefan22: lots-rahldoylefan22 on August 31st, 2010 09:46 pm (UTC)
The idea of the photos was to help me see my changes. Apparently that was total plan fail *headesk*
mari4212: Firefly Hufflepuffmari4212 on August 31st, 2010 11:22 pm (UTC)
I can definitely see the transitioning as well. People have mentioned it, but you have much more clearly defined musculature in your abdomen and your arms than you did before, and it does look like your posture has improved, especially in the side-view, everything is more vertically aligned than it was previously, which should long-term cause you to have fewer aches and pains that come from the muscle strain of bad posture.

But it's always hardest to see it in ourselves.
doylefan22: hp - Fred and Georgedoylefan22 on September 1st, 2010 06:58 am (UTC)
I have naturally crappy posture unfortunately so I've had to specifically try to improve that. Otherwise, if I've been standing up too long I bend over and my lower back muscles protest very loudly.
Kate Freelander: build a wall of booksfreestyle_one on September 1st, 2010 12:50 am (UTC)
Take it from somebody (with a shockingly similar body type, for one)who's in the same boat right now; you never see the changes in yourself....at first. I (somehow) managed to lose about 10 lbs this summer, and was super frustrated because it didn't really look like anything to me, but since I've gotten home, I've had a lot of friends and family pointing out the difference, and you can really tell by the way my clothes fit me too.

It's really hard to see change, ESPECIALLY when you're hoping for something more dramatic and are frustrated, afraid it'll never be worth it, etc.

And let me just say, visually, for six weeks? I see a BIG difference in those photos, and I know everyone else has said it too but it really is showing, so keep the faith, luv.

*pep talk finished, crawls off to sniffle in front of her own mirror, ladies and gentleman, the hypocrite will be here all week...*
doylefan22: sanctuary - geeks with gunsdoylefan22 on September 1st, 2010 06:59 am (UTC)
Yeah, I think we're always our own harshest critics. Thanks hun *hugs*

And stop it hypocrite or I will beat you. In a nice way :)
The Hebridean Queen: Black and white OT4gnimaerd on September 1st, 2010 08:09 am (UTC)
I took photos too, and in all honesty it takes several months for them to show a major difference, no matter how much you lose (I might upload some of my pictures from last year to my lj at some point soon - there are like ten-twenty pound differences in some of those photos and you can see me shrinking a bit but it's not a significant drop in my size). You will look different to other people - don't worry about that - particularly people who don't see you every day; but because YOU see yourself so often, it will take a while for you to see the change.

In all honesty I do see a difference in these pictures - your thighs have definitely shrunk and you look like you've 'tightened up' (I mean, look at the difference in your stomach in the sideways pics!) But it'll be hard for you to see a change because you're just so used to how you look. Beware the 'fat brain' - it LIES TO YOU. :P

What you might want to do, alongside taking pictures, is grab a measuring tape and measure your waist, bust, hips and thigh circumference once a month. That really will give you concrete proof that you are shrinking. Cause I mean, an inch off your waist may not make that much of a difference to how you look, but it will be tangeable proof that this is working - and in six months, with six inches gone off your waist - it WILL have made a BIG difference.
doylefan22: Merlin - Morgana/Gwen hugdoylefan22 on September 1st, 2010 03:30 pm (UTC)
I can imagine uploading all your pictures would be very cathartic for you - you've lost loads!

Yeah, I understand what you mean about my own self image verses what others see. I think too many of us are fixated on our own faults too, things that other people wouldn't even notice that we just hate.

The tape measure thing is a good idea and I keep meaning to do it.

I'm going to go and beat fat brain now. Cheers hun. Knowing you've gone through all this means you're now a shiny voice of reason :)
flipbfcflipbfc on September 1st, 2010 10:03 pm (UTC)
you totally can see a difference! Trust me I'm an engineer and thus trained to observe results.

doylefan22: despicable me - wibbledoylefan22 on September 1st, 2010 10:17 pm (UTC)
I don't think anyone has ever said to me 'trust me, I'm an engineer' before. And my dad's an engineer. Okay, a nuclear engineer but...
Purpleyin/Hans: beachmissyvortexdv on September 2nd, 2010 10:58 pm (UTC)
Can definitely see a difference in your waist/tummy, you look more toned and going in at the waist more too. :)

If you find it hard to see the difference maybe measuring key points like wasit, hips etc will help show you you are making progress if you can get hang of measuring reliably the at the same level each time.
keeping it vaguely imaginary...: Binary Solo \\ contraire_icons__kali__ on September 3rd, 2010 08:12 pm (UTC)
I think there's a difference, and I think there's been some difference since I last saw you too and that was only three weeks ago.